Inspired

"The human family--without the gospel or without strong families--is not going to go very far. Unless we can fix families, you can't fix anything else. Most of the problems that are most vexing are things government can't fix. They have to be fixed at a different level. That's the urgency of our message. I'd rather have ten commandments than ten thousand federal regulations....Unless we rebuild marriages and families, then we really are just straightening deck chairs on the Titanic."

"Does our faith in Jesus include faith in His timing, whether in His macro-management of the entire universe of in His micro-shepherding of us?"

"If everything in one's immediate context were constantly clear, God's plan would not work. Hard choices as well as passing through periodic mists of darkness are needed in order to maintain life's basic reality--that we are to overcome by faith."

-Neal A. Maxwell

Baby Timeline

All of this is hopefully going into a physical journal for the baby eventually, but just so I don't forget here are some important days in our lives lately:

Summer 2010

While attending a random sacrament meeting, I got a sudden, very powerful impression that we were supposed to have a baby soon. The speakers were full-time missionaries talking about missionary work, their message was not even closely resembling the topic of starting a family. I think that my Heavenly Father knows me well enough to send messages completely off subject so that I know that I didn't come up with the idea and listen. And boy was I listening! At the point the thought of having a baby still terrified me and if it were left up to me, kids would be at least a couple years further down the road. However, I knew that it wasn't up to me and spent the rest of the meeting pondering and talking with Heavenly Father to figure out when. I got a surprisingly very specific answer down to the month we need to  start trying. I leaned over to Ammon and said, "Um...we need to have a family council later..." He said something along the lines of: "Uh oh. It's about a baby isn't it?"

During the following months our fears gradually became excitement. It even got to the point where we sat down and compared the timeline of the first impression I got and an even earlier plan to see what we felt would be better. Despite my attempts to negotiate in my prayers for a baby to to come sooner, I knew that we were supposed to stick with the original plan. While waiting anxiously, I studied up on all the signs of pregnancy so I would know when that day came. Consequently every other month I was "sure" I was pregnant and Ammon learned to cope with a lot of false alarms.

January 28, 2011

 The first day I realized I was pregnant.  My stomach was peeling a little and I just felt "different".( I hated hearing that from other people before this pregnancy when I asked how they knew, but there really is no way to describe it. Mother's instinct I guess.) I got really nervous and then wondered if I was making it up in my head yet again. I decided to pray about it and then I knew for sure.

 The original plan was to wait for Valentine's Day to tell Ammon, but after the excitement and anxiety building up all day I blurted it out that night. Our conversation went something like this:

Ammon: (gave me a hug) You look really pretty today. Did you do something different?
Me: No... (thinking: YES I look different because I'm pregnant! It's cute that he noticed, but I am NOT telling him until Valentine's Day)
Ammon: changing the subject...to who-knows-what
Me: (interrupting) Can I just tell you something!?
Ammon: yeah...
Me: I think I'm pregnant! I wasn't going to tell you but I've been so excited and nervous all day, I just need to tell someone.
Ammon: Sure, like you were last month and the month before...
Me: No, this time it's real
Ammon: How do you know?
Me: I don't know! I just do.

February 14, 2011
Since I couldn't wait to tell Ammon until Valentine's Day, we figured we could at least wait to take an "official" test until then. We both had school that day, so not much time. I woke up early that morning prepared with a full bladder to do the deed. This wasn't especially hard, since by this time I felt like I was having to spend way to many trips to the restroom. A plus sign immediately showed up, but I acted oblivious and made Ammon wait specific amount of minutes before I let him in on the secret. We were so excited! Our celebration was short since Ammon had class, but it was a good morning.

March 18, 2011
Our first visit to the doctor. Our doctor is Tandy Olsen at the IHC Budge Clinic in the Logan Hospital. If we're being honest, I picked him because I figured with a name like Tandy, the doctor could be a woman. He's obviously not a woman like I would have hoped, but he is really good about explaining every step of the process and making me feel less nervous. We got to see an ultra sound of the baby. We saw the heartbeat and in my opinion the cutest little baby I've ever seen. Dr. Olsen's attempts to get pictures for measurement were thwarted a few times because the baby kept wiggling and kicking their little legs (showing off for us I'm sure).

March 19, 2011
We told the family. Technically 12 weeks is when the chance of miscarriage really lowers and most people share the news. For us 12 weeks would have landed right on April Fool's Day. Not only is that not one of my favorite holidays, but I didn't want this announcement to not be taken seriously or to be shared with thousands of other fake pregnancy announcements. We cheated and told them early. After the ultrasound, I just wanted to show everyone. Since the due date is October 14, my brother-in-law Austin's b-day, we decided to make some kind of wanted poster for our little birthday thief.

May 3, 2011
We heard the baby's heartbeat. 153 healthy beats per minute. We also heard the bad news that we won't find out the gender until May 31st! What's your vote? Boy or Girl?

May 15/16 (in the middle of the night)
I have been really anxious to be able to feel the baby move lately. There were early times that I thought maybe I felt something, but it is usually right as I'm on the verge of sleep and my brain isn't functioning at a level to really discern what's really going on. While in this state last night, I thought I was feeling my heartbeat in my stomach. Then I realized that the either my heart was being very inconsistent (slightly troubling) or someone else was making their presence known. I was excited, but I must admit feeling slightly weird about the fact that there is a little person moving around inside me jabbing me from the inside. I'm sure I will get used to it over time, and eventually get really excited for that little person to be on the outside rather than inside as the jabs get more powerful.

DONE!!!!

Just thought I'd share my to do list now....

It's empty! After four long years and a lot of prayers I am finally done with school!! I wish I could take all the credit, but I'm had too many nights of inspiration coming to me as I fall asleep/dream to know that most of the work I turned in and lessons I taught did not come from me. 

Happy Birthday Ammon!

A lot has happened since my last post, but there's no time to play catch up now in the middle of my (potentially) last finals week ever!

Despite the time crunch due to major procrastination on my part, I couldn't pass up the chance to blog about my wonderful husband on his birthday!! Ammon is 26 today. That sounds extremely old to me, but I am trying my best to  not be so vocal about my thoughts on that subject, because I think he shares my opinion and doesn't like dwelling on it. Ammon's dad has been sending us pictures he is converting from old slides. Here are a couple childhood birthdays...

Isn't he cute?

I chose this one because of the fantastic style. Check out the mullet and cut off overalls, can't get much better than that!

One of the few traditions we uphold in our little family is breakfast in bed on your birthday. This started when we were engaged after I mentioned this was something my parents did for each other. I also briefly mentioned one particularly awesome birthday when my mom made some yummy chocolate waffles for me. The morning of my 19th birthday Ammon personally delivered breakfast on a tray from his apartment to mine (see why I love him?)... and every April 21st since then I get an assortment of breakfast foods delivered to me in bed, chocolate waffles included.


(The chef Ammon version of chocolate waffles changes every year as he can't seem to find a recipe he is happy with, which is always exciting. This year's included chocolate chips baked in and chocolate syrup on top.)

Today it was my turn. I'm not much of a cook (we typically eat cereal for breakfast) so I was a little anxious about getting up early to surprise him with a decent meal. He had a job interview for an internship this morning which added to the pressure. I decided to introduce him to cornbread and scrambled eggs for breakfast. Typically he associates cornbread with chili, but I was out to prove to him how wonderful it can be fresh out of the oven with butter and jam as a breakfast food. (Am I weird or do other people do this?)

I was prepared to make the cornbread from scratch, but I found this miraculous packet in our cupboard of cornbread mix that said "just add water". Now that is my kind of recipe! I mixed it up, buttered the pan, and looked the the instructions again just to be sure. It had a high altitude adjustment suggestion to add a little flour and some more water. Why not? Just to be sure it turns out perfect... I threw it in, mixed it again, and poured it into the pan.

Here's what I was envisioning...

Well...turns out Ammon's introduction to warm fluffy corn bread for breakfast ended up being some form of unleavened cornbread. I could post a picture, but it's just sad. I did make some yummy honey butter to compensate which seemed to fix most of the problem. He was a good sport about it, and also put up with me rushing him out the door so he could be ready for his interview on time.

Hopefully, tonight we will get to celebrate without the rush...I'm really thinking going out to eat somewhere is a fantastic idea. Happy Birthday honey!

One of the Strangest Classes I've Ever Been In...

I've certainly had some...interesting...college experiences over the course of my four years in college, and tonight's class just got put on the list. You see, I have this lovely Chilean professor that has made it a point over the course of the semester to take let his ideas be known to all. Anyone who has a contradicting point of view from his own either offends him in some way or their opinion is completely disregarded. See here for a taste of my friend's memorable experiences.

Just so you have some background information on the course: The topic is Foundations of Bilingual Education. The entire semester consisted of coming to class and hearing group presentations given by the students. (Because of course professors aren't getting paid to teach that's the students' job.) Each group has around nine individuals...way too many to be convenient for planning or to guarantee everyone has a fair share of work put into the presentation. Well...tonight was my group's turn.Our group made each part of our presentation short and to the point, because this professor tends to get worked up over issues and likes to go on half hour tangents "problematizing" the situation of the U.S. public school system that take up our whole presentation time.

Well, everything was going well until the part of our presentation given about involving Latino families. A girl in our group got up, presented about the main points given in our readings, and sat down. Cue next presenter...but wait...the professor has something to say. He stood up and in front of the whole class said, "I was not at all impressed with the last presentation." He went on to criticize how the girl presented, saying she used a "tone" that implied to him that she didn't care or consider the issue to be important. "It was very disrespectful and I will not have that in my class." Tone? What tone? The girl tried to apologize for something that she hadn't done, but he too busy telling the current presenter how excited he was to hear his presentation. "You are in the classroom and really know about this situation. I know that you will give us some great insights. We are all looking forward to hearing you present."...

So, awkwardly the class went on. The next presenter, from one of the distance sites, again started to introduce his topic, but a brave girl in our class interrupted him saying she had a comment. She defended the poor girl who he had criticized (who was now trying to keep from bawling) by looking directly at the professor and saying "I don't appreciate what you just said to her." Before she could continue the professor cut her off.

"Okay, we are not wasting everyone's time having this discussion. We have covered all the issues we need to cover in this class for the semester. Put your books away. We are done here. Goodbye."

And class was over just like that.

Side note: In case you are wondering what tops this incident in the strangeness category. My English 2010 professor wrote a whole paper that he shared with us. The topic was how it would be very possible that he could be the next Mark Hacking (who by the way my cousin dated very seriously at one point). Apparently, my professor had previously worked with Mark in a mental institution where their job was to restrain inmates and he always admired how well Mark did the job. Also they had many of the same church callings and beliefs in general. So maybe he could go home and kill his wife tonight. Why not? Do you wonder why this was my least favorite class? Yikes!!!

For all you Utah State critics out there, this college IS really wonderful despite the tone of my post. Have I mentioned that graduation is coming up fast!!! Only eight more school days!

Be Careful What You Pray For...Part 2

I woke up really early this morning to get to the school early and tell the principal my decision. As resolved as I felt last night, I couldn't help but worry about my decision this morning. I got to the school and immediately saw several of "my kids". They were excited to see me. I also saw several very anxious parents (who have been bombarding the principal wanting information since the teacher walked out). I waited in the office, but the principal told me, why don't you head down to the classroom and I'll come meet you in a few minutes. I tried to be discreet and act like this was just another visit to see the kids. Several parents came up to me and asked if I was going to be taking the class. The substitute who I had worked with a lot during my time there, kept quizzing me down about why I was there. I finally told her, "I've been offered a position, but I won't be taking it." She immediately went off on how she couldn't believe that they'd contact me and not say anything about it to her.

While visiting with the kids, one little girl gave me the saddest face and said, "Did you know that Mrs.---- is gone?" I wasn't sure how much she knew so I tried to act like I just assumed she was gone because a substitute was there, and played up how the substitute would do a good job with the class. She said, "She just left without telling anybody and she didn't even tell us goodbye.." My heart about broke in two, but I knew that no matter how badly I wanted to help fix the situation I was not physically capable of taking that responsibility. I don't handle stress well, I create my own stress when I have none. I knew that my body would not handle the added stress and decreased sleep that would come with the job, and I need to stay healthy for the baby.

When the principal came, I told her my answer. She admitted that after I had left last night she had been worried about me. She said that if I ever reach a point where I am looking for a job to come back and apply. Walking home was really hard. I'm still doubting myself, but I think I made the choice that needed to be made.

Why this answer to my prayer?

Either I made the wrong choice and a job being handed to me was the "work" I should be doing, or this was Heavenly Father's way of helping me see  what adding work to my schedule would be like so that I would recognize that I wasn't be as idle as I originally thought by simply finishing out the semester. One of the few impressions that kept coming back to me as I was making my decision was that I will have the opportunity to use my teaching down the road in way that I can't comprehend yet. I just need to get over my need to always know what the future plan is, and accept that what will happen is supposed to happen.

On a side note: I feel really bad for Ammon. He has applied to about 50 jobs and not heard back from any yet. I didn't apply to a single job and was offered a position. I really makes no sense. Ammon is hopeful that some kind of karma is due. Maybe since a job came my way and I didn't take it, that opportunity will now pass on to him? What do you think?

Be Careful What You Pray For...Part 1

This past Sunday my wonderful friend Marie taught the Relief Society lesson on work and personal responsibility. The message really hit me hard. I haven't worked for over a year due to my school schedule and the general lack of jobs in the area. I often feel guilty about this, even though I don't feel like we really need the extra income. When pondering about this lesson I began to worry that I am being too idle. Maybe I should be working to help support our family while I still can.

This thought was still in my mind yesterday morning. I decided to pray for help to have a productive day and to not be idle. I should be more careful about what I pray for, because... boy did I get an answer! At around three in the afternoon my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer, but waited for a voice-mail. It was the secretary at Edith Bowen, one of the schools I student taught at. I called her back expecting it to be another survey about my experience there. Instead I got the response, "Are you looking for a job?"

She explained that my cooperating teacher had left the school unexpectedly and they needed someone to fill in teaching the class for the rest of the year starting next week. I immediately said, "Count me out, I'm taking eighteen credits and there's no way I could handle that load." I asked if they had contacted the other student teacher. They hadn't. I ended the conversation with "I'll think it over and get back to you as soon as possible."

I immediately called Ammon with the unbelievable news. I hadn't even applied for any jobs since the baby is on the way. I didn't think it would be possible for me to get any teaching experience in until after our kids were in school themselves. After Ammon I called my dad who really emphasized what a great opportunity this was to get some experience.  Then I called back Edith Bowen, "I'm a little freaked out that the more I think about this, the more I'm considering it..." went on the secretary's answering machine. I decided to walk to campus early to talk to Ammon about it, and on my way I got a call from the principal. I agreed to stop by and meet with her.

The principal was in the semi-bare, darkened classroom that my cooperating teacher had left behind putting library books on the shelves so it wouldn't look so empty for the kids when they came back today.  The reason I was contacted was because the classroom aide had recommended me. We talked about my situation and she said she didn't want me to be overwhelmed with finishing out the semester and taking on the job. If I took the job, I would also be supervising a level III student from the University and evaluating her teaching. The level I students that were scheduled to come interview the teacher (possibly me) about being a teacher in a couple weeks would probably be sent to another teacher. The one other first grade teacher offered to provide a skeletal outline of her plan for the rest of the year for me to follow if I took the job. No one knew for sure where the kids were at.

Being in the classroom talking to principal and other teachers like they actually believed I could do it really boosted my ego and confidence level, but I left the school confused about what I should do. I didn't know if my professors would work with me and let my final three weeks be a little more lenient. I still had a lot of big papers and projects to complete before the semester was over.

Focusing in class wasn't possible. I was antsy to get home and make a decision. Finally, I made it home, talked to my parents again who all but convinced me to take the job. Ammon also called his parents to get their input. The majority of the votes were for taking the job. I knew that I needed to pray about it, but every time I tried my anxiety over the situation interfered. Ammon gave me a blessing. I prayed, read my patriarchal blessing, prayed, read my patriarchal blessing again, read the relief society lesson, and read the next chapter in the Book of Mormon that I was on. (The chapter was about Zeezrom denying the teachings of Alma and Amulek...ha ha really didn't feel that applicable, except for when Alma and Amulek tell him that God knows his thoughts.) I really was glad that somebody else knew the crazy thoughts that were pouring through me mind. After all that reading and praying, I decided to just sit, wait, and let thoughts come to be.

I made Ammon sit down with me. I told him he was not allowed to offer any personal opinions until I had present both sides of the internal argument going on my head. I bawled the whole time. I noticed that despite my support of both options: taking the job or not. I tended to say..."and I don't think it's a good idea because..." a lot more than why it was a good idea. Ammon agreed with me. He said, "Which will you regret more, missing the chance to get seven weeks of teaching experience or having a miscarriage because your body can't handle the load?" I decided not to take the job. As soon as I said that to myself I felt calm the rest of the night.