Be Careful What You Pray For...Part 1

This past Sunday my wonderful friend Marie taught the Relief Society lesson on work and personal responsibility. The message really hit me hard. I haven't worked for over a year due to my school schedule and the general lack of jobs in the area. I often feel guilty about this, even though I don't feel like we really need the extra income. When pondering about this lesson I began to worry that I am being too idle. Maybe I should be working to help support our family while I still can.

This thought was still in my mind yesterday morning. I decided to pray for help to have a productive day and to not be idle. I should be more careful about what I pray for, because... boy did I get an answer! At around three in the afternoon my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer, but waited for a voice-mail. It was the secretary at Edith Bowen, one of the schools I student taught at. I called her back expecting it to be another survey about my experience there. Instead I got the response, "Are you looking for a job?"

She explained that my cooperating teacher had left the school unexpectedly and they needed someone to fill in teaching the class for the rest of the year starting next week. I immediately said, "Count me out, I'm taking eighteen credits and there's no way I could handle that load." I asked if they had contacted the other student teacher. They hadn't. I ended the conversation with "I'll think it over and get back to you as soon as possible."

I immediately called Ammon with the unbelievable news. I hadn't even applied for any jobs since the baby is on the way. I didn't think it would be possible for me to get any teaching experience in until after our kids were in school themselves. After Ammon I called my dad who really emphasized what a great opportunity this was to get some experience.  Then I called back Edith Bowen, "I'm a little freaked out that the more I think about this, the more I'm considering it..." went on the secretary's answering machine. I decided to walk to campus early to talk to Ammon about it, and on my way I got a call from the principal. I agreed to stop by and meet with her.

The principal was in the semi-bare, darkened classroom that my cooperating teacher had left behind putting library books on the shelves so it wouldn't look so empty for the kids when they came back today.  The reason I was contacted was because the classroom aide had recommended me. We talked about my situation and she said she didn't want me to be overwhelmed with finishing out the semester and taking on the job. If I took the job, I would also be supervising a level III student from the University and evaluating her teaching. The level I students that were scheduled to come interview the teacher (possibly me) about being a teacher in a couple weeks would probably be sent to another teacher. The one other first grade teacher offered to provide a skeletal outline of her plan for the rest of the year for me to follow if I took the job. No one knew for sure where the kids were at.

Being in the classroom talking to principal and other teachers like they actually believed I could do it really boosted my ego and confidence level, but I left the school confused about what I should do. I didn't know if my professors would work with me and let my final three weeks be a little more lenient. I still had a lot of big papers and projects to complete before the semester was over.

Focusing in class wasn't possible. I was antsy to get home and make a decision. Finally, I made it home, talked to my parents again who all but convinced me to take the job. Ammon also called his parents to get their input. The majority of the votes were for taking the job. I knew that I needed to pray about it, but every time I tried my anxiety over the situation interfered. Ammon gave me a blessing. I prayed, read my patriarchal blessing, prayed, read my patriarchal blessing again, read the relief society lesson, and read the next chapter in the Book of Mormon that I was on. (The chapter was about Zeezrom denying the teachings of Alma and Amulek...ha ha really didn't feel that applicable, except for when Alma and Amulek tell him that God knows his thoughts.) I really was glad that somebody else knew the crazy thoughts that were pouring through me mind. After all that reading and praying, I decided to just sit, wait, and let thoughts come to be.

I made Ammon sit down with me. I told him he was not allowed to offer any personal opinions until I had present both sides of the internal argument going on my head. I bawled the whole time. I noticed that despite my support of both options: taking the job or not. I tended to say..."and I don't think it's a good idea because..." a lot more than why it was a good idea. Ammon agreed with me. He said, "Which will you regret more, missing the chance to get seven weeks of teaching experience or having a miscarriage because your body can't handle the load?" I decided not to take the job. As soon as I said that to myself I felt calm the rest of the night.

Next on my list...

Why is it that I feel so fed up with school right now, when I secretly know that I will be missing having  the consistency of a school schedule like crazy once I'm done in May?

My coping mechanism: I made a list of every single assignment I have for each of my classes about halfway through the semester just so I could have the satisfaction of crossing them off one by one. When I'm stressed copies of this list tend to multiply and spread all over the place...

I have one on my computer desktop, a "to go" copy in my bookbag to take with me to school,  and one that I leave out in plain sight at home to guilt me into working...this is the only way I am accomplishing anything at this point. A bonus of this multiplicity system is that I only have to do one thing, but I get to cross it off three separate times...talk about sense of fulfillment!  If I have learned anything about myself and personal motivation, it's that I can't resist crossing off a to-do list.

What on earth will I do with myself when school is done and my current list is completed?

Ultrasound at 10 weeks

Well...for those who don't know yet about our exciting news... We are expecting a little baby to join our family around October 14. Obviously, this little one is consuming most of my thoughts and will continue to do so from here on out. I already love this little baby to pieces. (We all were pretty excited to meet each other when the time came for an ultrasound. The baby kicked the entire time showing off, and made it hard for the doctor to get his measurements.) Ammon and I are so thrilled to be parents, but I often find myself getting overwhelmed with the idea of how much responsibility that role brings.

This past weekend I really enjoyed the chance I had to listen to some of the leaders of my church speak at General Conference. I felt spiritually renewed, uplifted, and inspired to be better. I feel like my needs were met and my questions were answered.

For obvious reasons, one of the talks that really caught my attention was from Elder Lynn G. Robbins. He said...

"Many of us create 'to do' lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish, but people rarely have 'to be' lists. Why? 'To do's are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. 'To be' however is never done. You can't earn check marks with 'to be's. I can take my wife out for a lovely evening this Friday which is a 'to do', but being a good husband is not an event. It needs to be part of my nature, my character or who I am."

 "To be good parents, one of the most important things we can teach our children is how 'to be' more like the Savior. Christ-like 'to be's cannot be    seen but they are the motivating force behind what we do which can be seen."

I think instead of focusing on my current 'to do's and constantly living moment to moment (or in my case--assignment to assignment), I need to develop a broader perspective and work on my long term 'to be's.

 With such a special spirit coming to bless our home, I feel like I have a lot of 'to be's to work on so that I can live worthy of such a huge blessing. I hope that I can develop habits  through meaningful 'to do's now that will help me 'to  be' a better example for our little family of Christ-like behaviors.

Spring Break: Husband-less

This morning I dropped Ammon off to meet a carpool full of people he doesn't really know. He is joining a big group going to Moab for a rappeling trip arranged by our friend Nate. He is invited every year and since we have been married I have prevented him from going in one way or another every year until this one. I told him he had to go this time because it might be his last chance since all of us are graduating and moving on with life.

That doesn't mean letting him go/ having him gone is any easier! Is it pathetic that even after three whole years of marriage we still can barely stand to be separated even for a few days? Ammon really is a big softie even if he tries to act tough sometimes. He really hates not being with me. This morning he kept asking me if I was sure I didn't want him to stay and drop the whole trip. (extremely tempting) He is only going to be gone till Thursday at the latest, you'd think it wouldn't be a big deal! Yes, I did bawl as I hugged him and drove away.

In my defense, it's a little nerve-wracking to send your husband away to spend a week...

•  with 60 people of which he may know about 6
   (some friends and a whole bunch of friends of friends of friends)

•  involving at least 12 hours of driving

            (I'm paranoid about car accidents, especially when he reminisces about waking up in a lane with oncoming traffic and a tractor coming right at him the 

            night before he leaves. Not comforting!)

•  full of going of cliffs for entertainment purposes

         (Have I mentioned his extreme lack of self preservation?)

• with a weather forecast predicting rain and snow today and tomorrow

           (wet + slick rock= not good for my nerves)

How will I be spending my time?

Besides praying excessively, I have a continuous line up of research papers, reading responses, and presentations to plan...with a girls night or two in the mix. Wish me luck (and pray that I have a husband at the end of the week)!

To buy or not to buy...

Here is the sewing machine I have been eyeing for a while. It is cheap, simple, has lots of fancy options, and I can order it through Walmart which means if it ever spontaneously combusts due to user error I can easily get a new one. This being said, I really have no clue what is considered "good" sewing machine-wise. Any of you professional seamstresses (almost put sewers....definitely not the term I was going for...) out there have any opinion?

My New Goal

Sunday night I was thinking about life and what distractions I could eliminate from it. Two things came to mind...

Since Ammon and I have very different schedules I find myself home alone a lot during the day. I usually use this time for doing my homework, but to fill an empty house sometimes the t.v. is turned on for background noise and facebook is opened to give myself a short --yeah right-- break. Unfortunately, these two very addicting distractions often become my focus and I lose valuable time.

I have made it my new goal to see how long I can go without picking up the remote control or signing into facebook. This isn't an easy undertaking because whenever I open the internet, my fingers automatic begin typing  www.faceb...before I catch myself.

  Proud moment: I am halfway through the week and I've made it so far with complete self-control!
(Although there are some who are skeptical about the validity of my previous statement..namely Ammon.)

The benefits so far:
1) 95% of my homework for the entire week was finished by Monday night!
(The other 5% could have been also if I really felt like b.s.-ing another one page paper on assessment, but I just wasn't in the mood...)
 2) I have kept to my exercise schedule for this week
(Don't ask. It's not at all impressive, but at least it makes me feel healthier until Ammon brings home tootsie rolls)

The pitfalls: 
1) I have replaced my usual facebook and t.v. time with even more blog stalking
(Yes, I created a very big loophole for myself in not eliminating blogs...baby steps right?)

2) Any other free time has been spent researching ways I want to spend my share of the tax return.
(For some crazy reason I've been looking into sewing machines. I don't sew...yet...but all those blogs are giving me false hope. In my mom's defense she tried...and tried...and tried to get me interested, but I was a teenager. Enough said.)

"Why I Can't Stop Reading..."

I'm a regular blog stalker, especially when it comes to the craftier, do-it-yourself blogs. (I'm a little obsessed with home organization ideas, not that our apartment would show it right now.) It's not that I regularly attempt such craftiness myself, I just enjoy the wishful thinking that one day I might be able to complete some of the simpler ideas that they offer. I came across an article  the other day that has an interesting take on these "mormon mommy blogs". It was fascinating to learn about the magnetism these blogs have for people not of our faith. Though I cannot always relate with the talents of these bloggers, I definitely know where the uplifting and happy feelings that resonate from these blogs come from. At the end of the day that Knowledge is enough for me.

Trudging along...

Well, we are a few weeks into our LAST semester here at USU. We both are trying to overcome major senioritis. It is hard playing the waiting game, not knowing where we will end up or if there will even be a job opportunity.

 Ammon is enjoying taking only twelve credits, playing working hard at the computer labs, gathering letters of recommendation from his professors, and applying for jobs all over the country.  Places he has applied to so far are firms in...

Honolulu, Hawaii (first place his resume went)
Tampa, Florida
Boston, Massachusetts
Randolph, Massachusetts
Dallas, Texas
Olympia, Washington
Los Angeles, California
...and probably more, but it's hard to keep track.


I am working towards an ESL endorsement which seems to be made up of six identical courses.  Each class basically includes reading textbooks that cover the same topics (I had to buy 9 this semester!! grrr), writing various forms of one page responses about the reading, taking turns teaching the class so the professor doesn't have to work, and writing a final paper/ completing an interview.

In between readings I am also tutoring a feisty little girl in kindergarten at Wilson Elementary every Tuesday and Thursday. During a personal prayer before bed the other night I was praying for the ability to reach this little girl and help her learn. About ten minutes later I realized that I had never finished my prayer because it had turned into a lesson plan brainstorming session. I had to laugh. I hope that Heavenly Father doesn't mind listening to my lesson plan ideas.